Hey! Sunny boy here.
I'm on the search for the Greatest Bad Movie there is so I'll be reviewing a bunch of them.
Spoilers incoming!
That's all.
Coming next...
Troll (1986)
I’m flabbergasted. Like, WTF did I just watch? It was indeed a trip. I have watched bad movies with a bit of supernatural elements, but never one that actually falls into the fantasy genre. This movie makes a joke out of fairy tales and that’s refreshing, I mean there’s a mushroom that’s a wizard (Nope, it’s never a human, merely a mushroom wizard).The main character’s name is Harry Potter Jr. and I think I’ve watched the movie that inspired the Harry Potter series, just saying. This poor boy can’t be left alone. He keeps getting scared, gets slammed into things, and the troll puts him to sleep by the magic of a green ring, this kid can’t get traumatized enough. His little sister has been kidnapped by a troll who’s pretending to be her, and his parents don’t believe him (Ugg, parents! Am I right? Never believing that our siblings are beings from another world).The troll wants to transform the building, in which Harry’s family has just moved, into a fairy universe so that he can then expand it and rule the world (very mainstream villain of him).Now, if you think a mushroom in a pot with big black eyes is the wackiest thing then you’re wrong. There were weird-looking creatures that were meant to be fairies, but, to be honest, they seemed more like a mixture of every animal plus humans all smushed together into something. Goofy and bizarre. And you know what? They sing! The weird-looking creatures sang! Surprisingly good even. I can’t compete.One of the tenants in the building is a witch named Eunice St. Claire (a name that literally says she is an old woman who may be a witch). Eunice was married to the troll (when he was a human, she didn’t have a thing for trolls). She is there to stop the troll but can’t do it alone so Harry comes into the picture. Dear Harry Potter asks the witch if she can teach him to be a magician (practically a wizard. JK Rowling I’ve got you red-handed).The other tenants are just generic people, no need to remember their names. Military man, womanizer man, wannabe actress, and a professor. What’s interesting is how they get fused into the fantasy world the troll wants to create. The men get turned into silly little creatures (“fairies”) and the woman into a nymph (because the troll liked her. The buddy can’t forget his human days).This movie had a good flow, but it also could have been goofier. I wanted more singing. It came out of nowhere but that’s what’s beautiful about bad movies, the spontaneity. The need for the scenes to be a bit freakier was what left me not completely satisfied but it still entertained me. Fantasy in bad movies is fascinating. This movie got me intrigued enough to watch the sequel so there’s that.
Surf Nazis Must Die
Unexpected boobs. Yeah. I didn’t expect to see boobs in a movie about surf nazis, but I guess the beach is indeed a place with a lot of nudity. Yeah, I actually should have seen it coming. Swimsuits are practically underwear, aren’t they?The surfing was relaxing. I watched a lot of men riding the waves, what else can I tell you? It felt like a documentary on those scenes until a guy with a hook hand appeared in a shot. I believe there could have been a lot more fighting while being on the ocean not just the shore. Though, let me tell you, the fighting got a lot more gruesome at the end and those deaths were really funny. The use of bad makeup for the injuries and the exaggerated props for the disembodied head of Eva was just beautiful.Hold on, Sun, what about the characters? Okay, so here’s the thing, I did like them all.
The Nazis: Adolf (the leader, duh), Eva (the woman, obviously), Hook (what else do you want me to say?), Brutus (he got muscles, got killed by his own crew, poor bastard), Smeg (mama’s boy), and Mengele (let’s say they did some research for this character’s name because Josef Mengele was some crazy murderous real nazi doctor).
The good guys: Eleanor (the best part of the whole film) and Leroy (Eleanor’s son, he likes swimming in the beach)
Getting to the point. The characters were bizarre and good but give me more Eleanor, she was the hero of the movie and more of her would’ve been excellent. I mean, she had a gun in a bible, how can you not like her? Want me to tell you more? She’s an elderly woman on a motorcycle. She buys grenades! She kills 4 out of 6 surf nazis (mama’s boy stayed alive. Mama sent him to bed early so the little boy––actually a grown-ass man–– wouldn’t get killed).The real reason why this movie would be so much better with more Eleanor (apart from the fact that she’s a badass):
She’s the character we want to root for. The nazis killed her son for standing up against them and being black. That gave her a reason to seek revenge.
There are three other significant surf gangs who want to get rid of the surf nazis, since they are trying to possess beaches out of their territory. These gangs… well they all died because they were pretty lame and cringey, which was hilarious. The three gangs died in trios, Chef Kiss. Now, how awesome would it have been if Eleanor teamed up with the other surf gangs to kill the nazis? Like, spectacular! Kill them all still but have her be the leader of everything. Don’t underestimate a mother looking for revenge. They’re scary.I’ve got not much more to say. The chase scene at the end with Eleanor killing Eva with a motorboat, and then shooting Adolf in the mouth was magnificent. I’m on Eleanor’s fan club now.
I think this movie lacked more scenes of the hero and the audience needs that to feel connected with the story. That’s probably the reason why I watched 20 minutes of this movie and came back days later to watch the rest. I needed a protagonist(s) to follow and keep me engaged.
House (1977 film)
Disembodied fingers playing the piano. It’s almost at the end of the movie but that scene encapsulates part of House’s essence. That scene is weird, maybe scary, and kind of funny because don’t tell me that it doesn’t look humorous (use your imagination).Gorgeous is the name of the main character, who to escape from her daddy issues, travels to her aunt’s house with her six friends. A BIG mistake. The house’s haunted and the aunt shows one of the friends that she’s eating an eyeball, not very housewarming (but she dances with a small skeleton which is cute, let’s forgive her.).The names of the characters in this movie are all you need to know about them. But if you want me to spell it out, I will.
Kung Fu: Good at fighting.
Fantasy: Kind of a dreamer.
Prof: The person with glass, therefore, she’s the smart one.
Mac: She eats. Mac & cheese, get it?
Melody: Plays instruments. (Guess who the disembodied fingers were from)
Sweet: She’s meant to be sweet, but she starts literally cleaning the house and puts on a maid outfit. (She’s so sweet she gets attacked by mattresses, what cozy way to die)The first quarter of the movie comes with a LOT of exposition and flashbacks. Good to know more about the characters. It also makes you feel high. The amount of information that comes your way can be overwhelming. One forgets most of it but I couldn’t say that there shouldn’t be so many of those scenes because perhaps the movie doesn’t take itself so seriously as to make sense of what it’s showing to us. If that’s the case then my ADD is amazed, if not then why have them?There are scenes of male characters that one forgets about. They can give the audience some nice and unexpected chuckles but were they necessary? Most probably not.The cat becomes 2D animated at one moment. It was used sufficiently enough so we know it’s there and it doesn’t overshadow the friends. Got to love a creepy and scary fluffy cat.What’s the best part of the movie? They all die at the end. Why? Because the death scenes are so entertaining. I think other movies should take notes on how to creatively kill a character. The first to go is Mac and, though we don’t see when she dies, all you need to know is that she has been beheaded. Mac’s head laughs, floating in the sky at dawn, and bites Fantasy in the butt. Random and perfect.Melody gets eaten by a piano. And that’s all I’ll say because I really don’t want to spoil all the deaths, they are just so good one needs to go watch them. Yes. This is my recommendation to watch the movie. I can’t say this is the best Bad Movie, but I can say this is one of my favorite movies of all time. It’s so bizarre and haphazard that it keeps one wondering what will happen next. Trust me, you won’t see the end coming. You won’t understand it either, but that’s okay you don’t need to.
The Velocipastor
"VFX: Car on fire" and the parents of Doug Jones (the protagonist) die! We don’t see it, but we know it. The quotation marks explain it all!To deal with the loss of his parents, he travels to China (why there? Well, I’m not a pastor, I don’t know. By the way, he’s a pastor). On this trip, he gets scratched by a random claw and obtains the ability to become a dinosaur.Doug Jones (A name that practically says “typical American white dude”, but this one is a pastor, remember) has two people in his life that are relevant to this story. One is Father Stuart, the voice of reason, or just a man with bad trauma of having his wife randomly appear in war and explode in front of him (Why was she there? Movie magic). The second one is Carol, who works as a hooker and becomes the love interest.Carol is the one who pushes Doug to get rid of the bad people in the world with his newfound power while letting him find himself in more than one way (if you know what I mean). She could’ve used a bit more of a personality so her seducer person is more on the nose. Doug has a similar problem as a character, he can be consistent in how he acts for most of the movie but then have very weird reactions that Doug wouldn’t usually have (Yeah, I know him).Father Stuart died twice; one could say so because Doug attacked him and took out his intestines and I guess divine intervention brought him back just to get staved by a ninja. Killing him twice was funny but it also made me want to see more of him and that he could’ve had a little punch line in the end instead of him being dead.The main villain was a kind of mafia ninja boss, who had American ninjas as his disciples. They appeared almost in the middle of the movie. That being said, they should have appeared earlier. I mean, they do, for a second at the beginning but one forgets!Now, let’s talk about the best character in this whole movie. The Chinese Mafia Boss’ sidekick. His name is Sam (Doug’s long-lost little brother), but let’s just call him White Ninja. He laughs. That’s all you need to know. White Ninja’s backstory has all to do with laughing. His parents laughed with Doug but not with him and that’s why he holds a grudge.You may be telling yourself: White Ninja must be really important to the story. No, he’s just the best character. Also, they made him ride in the trunk instead of the passenger seat (an amazing way to reveal his relationship with Doug!).Now let’s get a little serious:
The movie became a tat slower at the end, maybe to lengthen it and have enough for it to be an hour long. Lengthening the shots can be a way to get a chuckle out of the audience but too many of them can make it cringey (not the good kind). Nonetheless, this was an entertaining movie though not the bad great movie I'm looking for.